Ahhh Motherhood. It’s something some of us are destined to do. Something ingrained in us, to have children and raise them good and right and just. It’s not for everyone, that’s for sure. As much as I LOVE being a mom, I do sometimes think about the good old single days before the puke and poop and temper tantrums of a “Threenager” entered my life. And as much as I wouldn’t change it for the world, I do miss the simplicity of sleeping in and not worrying about anyone or anything. So for new moms and those thinking about starting a family, here are 10 things you can’t do once you’re a mom. You’ve been warned.
1. Never Not Worry Again
I remember bringing Abbey home from the hospital and worrying about her weight, if she was drinking enough, if I was producing enough milk, when her teeth would come in, how to trim her nails and how warm was too warm when it was bath time. As she got older, and those worries subsided, new worries took their place. If she slept too long I worried that she stopped breathing. If she was warm, I worried she would have some sort of incurable worst case scenario disease. If she coughed I worried she was choking. Now I worry she’s going to tumble down the stairs and break her neck. I worry she’s going to be crossing the street and a bus will come out of nowhere and hit her. I worry about the most ridiculous things and I am sure when she’s a grown woman I will worry she’s dead in a ditch somewhere. It never ends.
2. Sleep In
Ha! The first time your baby sleeps through the night and you get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, it’s like heaven has open up and shone down light upon your face. But that’s when your kids are small, and you’re so sleep deprived that any bedtime works for you. Later on, when they are sleeping through the night every night, and you stay up later to get things done (cough cough blogging cough cough) you forget those hours of sleeping are lost. 6am starts really early around here. I am up at the literal crack of dawn because Abbey knows she has to wait until the sun shines through her blinds before she can come into my room demanding attention and a cup of milk. That’s around 6am. No matter when she went to bed, it’s always 6am. I get to sleep in once a year on Mother’s Day – the 51 week countdown started yesterday.
3. Finish the To-Do List
I have a perpetual “to-do list”. I always thought, when I became a stay at home mom, I would have so much time to get everything done. I was wrong. The chores around here are never ending. Clean one room and another magically is dirty. Do dishes and more pile up while the dishwasher is running. Start a load of laundry only to discover the hamper is overflowing once again. They say the chores will wait, but I am so far behind on them I will never die.
4. Sit Down
I swear my children can hear the sound of me sitting down and take that as a cue to need something, anything, just to prolong me from sitting down another minute longer. Sit down on the couch and someone needs their butt wiped. Sit down at dinner and someone needs a refill. Sit down on the toilet and well.. more on that later. The point is, they can smell the scent of relaxation and they hate it.
5. Jumping Jacks
Ha! Something about bladder leakage. Before I had kids I made jokes about how I could do jumping jacks when my friends with kids complained they couldn’t anymore. I must have really pissed off the Bladder Gods because once I had my kid, all that ended. Aerobics class? Forget about it. Dance class? No, just no. No bouncing, no jumping, no getting comfortable at all. The only saving grace are panty liners, which aren’t really meant for that, so they don’t work so well. Poise makes liners specifically for Light Bladder Leakage – 1 in 3 women have it, so don’t feel so bad. You can #RecycleYourPeriodPad by sticking them to the bottom of your shoes and getting some of those things checked off the never ending chore list! How’s that for multi-tasking? Do ditch the pads and Grab a FREE SAMPLE here!
6. Pee Alone
Ok, so maybe eventually you can do this, but you’ve got a good portion of the next 6 or so years with a bathroom companion. Whether you’re at home, or out in public, that kid of yours is going to be all up in your business. Lock the door? The will lay on the floor in front of the door and breathe under it and just wait. Trust me. In public? You take the big stall or use the “family” bathroom just so your kid doesn’t look under other peoples stalls or play in the sink with soap and paper towels.
7. Eat Without Sharing
Shameless admission? I have eaten chocolate in the bathroom with the door locked. I have snuck day old cake in the kitchen, hiding behind the fridge door. I have flat out lied when asked “What are you eating?”. The answer “Vegetables!” works like a charm. But get caught with your delicious treat and be prepared to share at least half of it with your kid. We got a milkshake to share the other day and 87% of it was hijacked by my kid. It’s great for the waistline, but not so great for your PMS cravings.
8. Sneeze Without Peeing a Little
Just like the jumping jacks, your bladder now hates you. You’ve let a baby sleep on it for 9 months and it’s pissed. It will do everything in it’s power to make you remember that. Coughing too hard, sneezing without your legs crossed. Anything makes you pee a little. Just a little. Nothing worth going home to change your clothes and no one will probably know… but you’ll know. You’ll know you peed a little and that’s the worst thing ever.
9. Make Fake Promises
You can totally tell your girlfriends that coffee on Friday sounds great and regret your decision Thursday night and change your plans. You can totally promise your husband to clean the house or pick up the dry cleaning for him and just says “eh.. not today” without much consequence. But tell a kid you’re going to do something, and then not do it? That’s reason enough to start World War 3 right there. You said we were going to the park but it’s raining? You will NEVER hear the end of it. “Remember that time you said we were gonna go to the park and we didn’t?” No amount of reasoning works when you make a promise to a kid, no matter how big or small. Be sure to pack an umbrella.
10. Love Anything More
All those sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the fights, the back talk and the sass. You will never love anything more than your precious perfect snowflake of a baby. Nothing they do is wrong in your eyes. They are perfect, and the best thing you will ever do. You can try to love something more than your own child, but you will never succeed – unless you’re a horrible person, then all bets are off.